Rules to Conflict Resolution

17 01 2015

First of all, let me be abundantly clear.  I am NO PROFESSIONAL AT THIS…  hahaha  I am just sharing what I am using with my lady.  Maybe it can help you too.  Blessings.

  1. If there is a issue, acknowledge it immediately to one another. If the time to discuss is inappropriate, agree to revisit the issue at a later time. All discussions are to take place in private.
  2. No Yelling. If one person is yelling, the second person should not join in. The issue can escalate this way. The calm person should tell the one yelling, “Calm down, so we can work things out.” If the person yelling continues, the calm person should say, “I’m walking away until we both calm down.” It is the responsibility of the person who started yelling to re-engage the conversation, after they have calmed down.
  3. No Cursing. Cursing is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Choose your words wisely.
  4. No Name Calling. This too is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Use adjectives to describe someone more than using nouns. (Example: “You were acting arrogant” is vastly different than “You are arrogant.” One is based off observation. The other is a judgment.)
  5. Always start and end the conversation by letting the other person know that you care about them. Use this technique for any pre-meditated conflict conversations. For spur-of-the-moment conflicts, the moment you recognize that you are in the midst of a conflict, make sure to tell the other person that you care about them. This helps soften the environment and mood, thus making the next rule easier to implement.
  6. Do not speak in generalities. Be specific with the issue. Confront the issue at the time of the occurrence so it can be fresh in your mind.
  7. Gain complete clarity of the issue at hand. Acknowledge each part of the issue to show understanding and reflection on the issue. Be open to the idea that you made a mistake, even if you think that you didn’t. Do not engage in a tit-for-tat conversation. If you have an issue that you want to raise, deal with that after the current one is resolved.
  8. Focus on the Resolution. This key element is essential to the success of conflict resolution. “What can we do to fix the problem?” Not, “How can I prove the other person wrong?”
  9. Stay engaged and active in the conversation. Do not shut down. If one person begins to shut down, the other should remind them to focus on staying engaged and working towards a resolution.
  10. Solve the problem through a brain storming session. After gaining an understanding of the issues at hand, collectively think up several possible solutions to the problem.
  11. Once grievances are shared, seek to apologize as quickly as possible. This helps set the tone of a loving environment and softens the situation. This also places emphasis on the importance of the relationship over above the need to be right.
  12. Once the issue is resolved, use humor to clear the air of seriousness. Laughter can bring us back to a place of mirth. Whether its watching a funny video or telling a joke, use some vehicle to clear the air.
  13. Be sure to follow up on any implemented solutions. All solutions can be brought up for revision. Ask one another about the solution and how it is working for them. Remember that any revisions must be mutually agreed upon, just as the initial decision was.

Key Elements:

  1. Both parties should be focusing on resolving the issue. This is more important than being right.
  2. Remember that a conflict isn’t just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both people perceives a threat. (Real or not.) Therefore, reinforce the fact that there is no real threat (just differences), and the conflict can dissipate.
  3. Honor the rules. Honor the relationship.
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Drought in the Garden (E.O.L.)

14 04 2014

 They say that the seed you water is the one that grows.

This is true, and leads me to ask the question,

What have you planted? What are you watering?

Where are you spending your energy?

Have you tilled the land sufficiently?

Are you using organic seeds or GMOs?

Have you saturated the ground with the crap you have been through, for growth?

Or do you still carry that manure in a bag strapped to your shoulders?

Would you rather wait for Him to Make it Rain,

Before you show signs of movement in the soil?

or do you regularly soak the seed?

How often do you check the growth?

Do you neglect the plant after it sprouts,

Busy checking on the growth of other vegetation that does not offer sustenance?

Do you plant, looking to foster the growth of this herb until something better comes along?

And if something else sprouts fast, how do you know that isn’t just a weed,

Soaking up all the nutrients from the ground for its own agenda,

Never giving back to you the farmer,

Destined to shrivel up and die and leave the earth barren?

Why did you plant this seed in the first place if you knew that you did not have the patience to help it grow?

There are starving people elsewhere living in places

Where the ground is no longer yield a crop.

You are fortunate to have a healthy, good seed,

Which is ready to produce a healthy good plant,

The foundation for a healthy good harvest.

But you would rather focus on weeds

Of no medicinal or nutritional value.

Oh yes, it may be a beautiful rose.

But besides the smell and appearance, what else can it do for you?

It can’t feed you. It can’t cloth you.

It can’t heal you.

It only caters to your ego.

Is that the plant you want to water? Is this what you want to grow?

And how do you know that this plant won’t eventually trump the beauty of that rose?

What did you plant here that ruined this soil?

Why is it so difficult to just be in the moment,

And allow this beautiful plant to grow?





Armor by J. Wellington

25 03 2014

I am not your knight in shining armor.

Mine has shims scratches and scrapes.

I can’t be your knight in shining armor.

Too many dents that can’t be banged back into shape.

My amour doesn’t have that smooth aura and sheen,

It has stripes of dirt and grime.

Too many missing plates for my visage to be considered sublime.

The arm band does not shimmer.  It’s stained with drops of blood.

The remnants of the bear that tried to attack the children, I had to club.

The back plates are crushed, some pierced til you see the skin.

While in battle, the dragon’s jaws, captured me and started to sink in.

I struggled to get free and took damage to say the least

Right before with my left hand, a proper swipe fell the beast.

My chest plate never smooth, for it is riddled with arrow tips.

The only remaining proof that the invaders from the north no longer exist.

See, I know and can grasp the beauty of the Shining armors sight.

But know that their armor shines so bright, for they have never seen a fight.

They have never struggled to save you, they have never strained to be,

The man that is worthy for your bed-chamber to see.

Please forgive my forwardness, for your chastity I seek not to mark.

I only seek to have my name forever written on your heart.

So marvel at the sights that shine.  For you cause I’ll gladly be a martyr.

But know that I did it all for you.  Sincerely, your Knight in rugged armor.





Note To Self…

18 12 2013
  • Anyone who is slow to apologize for their wrong doing is not worth investing time in.
  • Any woman who calls herself or her friends the term “Diva” is bound to be selfish at the core, regardless of how nice of a person they may seem to be.  Just stay away from them.  The reason is in the definition of the word.
  • Anyone who is disillusioned enough to make statements like “I can lose weight by doing Yoga” will never accomplish their goals.  They are too caught up in their own perceptions and will only be corrected by experience or someone they respect.  The last few words says it all.  (Bounce)
  • Beware of self-sabotaging people.  Some people just can’t live life without drama, so they will self-impose it when necessary.  (Example:  Moving cross country for a new job opportunity after less than a year, when you have an equivalent great job with a great company that is looking to promote you.
  • A person’s home environment is the physical manifestation of their inner being.  (Example:  If their mind is a cluttered mess, their home will follow suit.
  • Beware of people who care more about perception than introspection.  If they are so quick and willing to lie to themselves, how much more you?
  • Prayer is great, but prayer and work is better.
  • NOTHING will change if you do not work at it.
  • Anyone who is willing to kiss you before they know you is backwards.  You can’t build a house roof first.  (Really?  The hell is on your mind?)
  • People who hold secrets need to realize that eventually someone will find out what they are.  Better to not have any secrets.  (Example: Having a stint as a married man’s side chick;  A number of meaningless sexual encounters with Jose, etc.)
  • Mean what you say, say what you mean, or just don’t talk.
  • If someone is willing to work with you on something, take advantage if you really want it.  If not, be truthful about that too.
  • The words one uses to describe themselves says EVERYTHING about the person’s character.  Listen closely.
  • The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree (for the most part.)  Observe the tree and know the fruit.
  • Anyone who is hell-bent on being miserable needs to be left alone to their misery.  That is where they are the most content.  K.I.M.
  • Anyone who does excessive traveling/partying/drugs/alcohol is trying their best to escape something within their reality.  Watch the signs and move accordingly.
  • Anyone who excessively uses social media as an outlet to post an unordinary number of pictures, videos, or statements, with the (hidden) purpose of letting us know how awesome their lives are, is hiding something ugly.  Watch what you advertise.
  • Don’t use items to project a persona other than your own.  Life is too short to hate yourself so much that you need to try to be someone else.
  • Anyone that cannot show emotion easily is broken, fake or both.
  • Avoid those that will incite anger in you, however understand that we are all going through this life thing once and at the same time.  Focus on making the world a better place in your section.
  • If they don’t understand you, and you made several failed attempts to show them who you are, let them be.  They aren’t supposed to be in your life.
  • If they are too frightened to address you respectfully, stay you, stay cool, understand they are weak, and let it go without animosity.
  • Don’t focus on romance.  Focus on relationship.  Friends are the best if they are real.  They will always be there for you, if they are real.
  • If they don’t trust you, they don’t know you.  Make a decision to give them time to get to know you or not.
  • You can teach intelligence.  You can’t teach a good heart.
  • If she is trying to be something other than a woman, then accept that she isn’t what you are looking for.  (regardless of what she looks like.)
  • Reach out to those who stimulate your mind.  They are great friend material.  (Hi Ms. Moore!)
  • What you inspire is what I reciprocate.  (But this is hardly a new mantra.)




Real Love vs Toxic Love

3 06 2012

I am no expert on this, so don’t even bother contacting me.  I saw a clip of this and decided to copy this for my own personal reference.  I am claiming no rights to this.  This however is excellent information and a personal check to anyone that is in a relationship.  I know some, including myself that desperately need this.

 

1. Love – Development of self is the first priority.

Toxic love – Obsession with relationship.

 

2. Love – Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.

Toxic love – Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

 

3. Love – Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.

Toxic love – Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

 

4. Love – Encouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth.

Toxic love – Preoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing.

 

5. Love – Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)

Toxic love – Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply.”

 

6. Love – Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love – Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

 

7. Love – Embracing of each other’s individuality.

Toxic love – Trying to change other to own image.

 

8. Love – Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.

Toxic love – Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

 

9. Love – Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other’s mood.

Toxic love – Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

 

10. Love – Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)

Toxic love – Fusion (being obsessed with each other’s problems and feelings.)

 

11. Love – Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.

Toxic love – Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

 

12. Love – Ability to enjoy being alone.

Toxic love – Unable to endure separation; clinging.

 

13. Love – Cycle of comfort and contentment.

Toxic love – Cycle of pain and despair.

 





Relationships, Marriage, and What YOU Bring to the Table

22 04 2012

***For those that care to watch what spawned this Blog, you can right here:

Holy Matrimony Part 4

 

So I went to church today and got a great message that I needed to share/jot down, if not for anyone else, at least for myself.  This may not be completely in Blog format.  This is from a series of sermons on the subject of Marriage that have been preached by Zion Church’ s Pastor Keith Battle.  The title of the series is Holy Matrimony, and this was the fourth message of the series.  If you want to get more information on Zion Church, feel free to go to http://www.zionchurcholine.com  They even have the sermons online.  They usually put them online Wednesdays.  When it is archived, I will post the link to it.

These were parts that I took away from it.  I didn’t write every point because some resonated more with me than others.

– Dont have your woman invest her time with you and then let someone else reap the fruits that she sowed.

– Stay true to your promise.  It wasn’t only to her.  It was also to God.

– We as humans often want things we can’t have and have things we take for granted.

– If you want to grow spiritually, recognize that it will happen tremendously through your marriage.

– Great way to sum things up –  If you want to serve Jesus, stay single.  If you want to BE like Jesus, get married.

– Keep in mind that the more difficult your spouse is, the greater potential you have for spiritual growth.

– Marriage puts a magnifying glass on every flaw and dysfunction of self.

– Your spouse can tap into every personal dysfunction within you.

– As humans, we both have weaknesses and flaws.

– Often times Differences can be judged as weaknesses because that is not how we are. (Arguing vs being silent) “I must be right because this is how I do it.”

– When you focus on something about your spouse you want to change, it grows but you don’t.  So you stay stuck and immature and don’t grow.

– When I focus on SELF, God can humble me and work on ME, and I grow.  If I grow, even if she doesn’t change, I may be able to grow and mature enough to be able to accept her as she is, even if she never changes.

– I can still make requests. Just stay away from demands.

– Requests bring opportunities for gifts.  Demands require payment.  Payment feels WAY DIFFERENT than Gifts.

– Don’t Ride Negative thoughts about a spouse.  Forgive.  Let It Go (TD Jakes)

– Grow up.  Stop saying (I’m not that type of person to do X, Y, & Z even though she is requesting it.  It may take your relationship to the next level.  How are you going to want your relationship to go to the next level and not expect yourself to have to grow either?  That is like expecting a promotion at work, but you have not done a thing to warrant that increase of money, position, and responsibility.

What is funny about this, is that I am not married, yet I see how this very same advice can be used and used effectively in ANY relationship.





Work Your Relationship

16 12 2010

People often ask how to keep a romantic relationship that lasts.  With the rise of divorce rates and incomplete media portrayals of love, it seems almost impossible for anyone to expect to live happily ever after with Mr/Mrs Right-Now.  I for one, am no expert on the subject.  I have had my struggles like anyone else on what should or should not constitute a healthy relationship.  What I have learned over the years is that like most things in this world, if you want it, you have to work for it!

Many times, people in relatively new relationships are excited about meeting someone that they feel, “may be the one.”  Its a great feeling to have, especially if you have never been married or dont have children yet.  Your mind starts going a million miles a second, envisioning this person in photos with your family and friends.  You think about how they will fit in within your daily life and how happy and at ease you will be coming home to see their face.

Then you have an argument.

After your first argument, your vision of perfection may still be intact, however it is somewhat diminished.  It may be slightly skewed.  It may be completely off.  Either way, it was not what you thought it was.

Its cool though because life is full of obstacles.  You can’t expect that disagreements wont happen right?

One thing I have definitely learned in my time, is that for every relationship you have, be it personal or business, close or distant, family or acquaintances,  BOTH parties involved have to be willing to work at it growing and flourishing.  If either party is not interested, it will fall apart.  This is how we fall in and out of love, grow close and apart as friends, even get promotions with or change companies we work for.  And no, this does not mean that everything will always be alright.  Sometimes, there will be painful situations.  There will be arguments.  There will be trials and tribulations.  But if both parties are willing to work through the negatives, as well as enjoy the positives together, then they will stay together.

 

You can’t just be there for the harvest.  You have to be there sowing the seeds too.