Rules to Conflict Resolution

17 01 2015

First of all, let me be abundantly clear.  I am NO PROFESSIONAL AT THIS…  hahaha  I am just sharing what I am using with my lady.  Maybe it can help you too.  Blessings.

  1. If there is a issue, acknowledge it immediately to one another. If the time to discuss is inappropriate, agree to revisit the issue at a later time. All discussions are to take place in private.
  2. No Yelling. If one person is yelling, the second person should not join in. The issue can escalate this way. The calm person should tell the one yelling, “Calm down, so we can work things out.” If the person yelling continues, the calm person should say, “I’m walking away until we both calm down.” It is the responsibility of the person who started yelling to re-engage the conversation, after they have calmed down.
  3. No Cursing. Cursing is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Choose your words wisely.
  4. No Name Calling. This too is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Use adjectives to describe someone more than using nouns. (Example: “You were acting arrogant” is vastly different than “You are arrogant.” One is based off observation. The other is a judgment.)
  5. Always start and end the conversation by letting the other person know that you care about them. Use this technique for any pre-meditated conflict conversations. For spur-of-the-moment conflicts, the moment you recognize that you are in the midst of a conflict, make sure to tell the other person that you care about them. This helps soften the environment and mood, thus making the next rule easier to implement.
  6. Do not speak in generalities. Be specific with the issue. Confront the issue at the time of the occurrence so it can be fresh in your mind.
  7. Gain complete clarity of the issue at hand. Acknowledge each part of the issue to show understanding and reflection on the issue. Be open to the idea that you made a mistake, even if you think that you didn’t. Do not engage in a tit-for-tat conversation. If you have an issue that you want to raise, deal with that after the current one is resolved.
  8. Focus on the Resolution. This key element is essential to the success of conflict resolution. “What can we do to fix the problem?” Not, “How can I prove the other person wrong?”
  9. Stay engaged and active in the conversation. Do not shut down. If one person begins to shut down, the other should remind them to focus on staying engaged and working towards a resolution.
  10. Solve the problem through a brain storming session. After gaining an understanding of the issues at hand, collectively think up several possible solutions to the problem.
  11. Once grievances are shared, seek to apologize as quickly as possible. This helps set the tone of a loving environment and softens the situation. This also places emphasis on the importance of the relationship over above the need to be right.
  12. Once the issue is resolved, use humor to clear the air of seriousness. Laughter can bring us back to a place of mirth. Whether its watching a funny video or telling a joke, use some vehicle to clear the air.
  13. Be sure to follow up on any implemented solutions. All solutions can be brought up for revision. Ask one another about the solution and how it is working for them. Remember that any revisions must be mutually agreed upon, just as the initial decision was.

Key Elements:

  1. Both parties should be focusing on resolving the issue. This is more important than being right.
  2. Remember that a conflict isn’t just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both people perceives a threat. (Real or not.) Therefore, reinforce the fact that there is no real threat (just differences), and the conflict can dissipate.
  3. Honor the rules. Honor the relationship.

Relationships, Marriage, and What YOU Bring to the Table

22 04 2012

***For those that care to watch what spawned this Blog, you can right here:

Holy Matrimony Part 4


So I went to church today and got a great message that I needed to share/jot down, if not for anyone else, at least for myself.  This may not be completely in Blog format.  This is from a series of sermons on the subject of Marriage that have been preached by Zion Church’ s Pastor Keith Battle.  The title of the series is Holy Matrimony, and this was the fourth message of the series.  If you want to get more information on Zion Church, feel free to go to  They even have the sermons online.  They usually put them online Wednesdays.  When it is archived, I will post the link to it.

These were parts that I took away from it.  I didn’t write every point because some resonated more with me than others.

– Dont have your woman invest her time with you and then let someone else reap the fruits that she sowed.

– Stay true to your promise.  It wasn’t only to her.  It was also to God.

– We as humans often want things we can’t have and have things we take for granted.

– If you want to grow spiritually, recognize that it will happen tremendously through your marriage.

– Great way to sum things up –  If you want to serve Jesus, stay single.  If you want to BE like Jesus, get married.

– Keep in mind that the more difficult your spouse is, the greater potential you have for spiritual growth.

– Marriage puts a magnifying glass on every flaw and dysfunction of self.

– Your spouse can tap into every personal dysfunction within you.

– As humans, we both have weaknesses and flaws.

– Often times Differences can be judged as weaknesses because that is not how we are. (Arguing vs being silent) “I must be right because this is how I do it.”

– When you focus on something about your spouse you want to change, it grows but you don’t.  So you stay stuck and immature and don’t grow.

– When I focus on SELF, God can humble me and work on ME, and I grow.  If I grow, even if she doesn’t change, I may be able to grow and mature enough to be able to accept her as she is, even if she never changes.

– I can still make requests. Just stay away from demands.

– Requests bring opportunities for gifts.  Demands require payment.  Payment feels WAY DIFFERENT than Gifts.

– Don’t Ride Negative thoughts about a spouse.  Forgive.  Let It Go (TD Jakes)

– Grow up.  Stop saying (I’m not that type of person to do X, Y, & Z even though she is requesting it.  It may take your relationship to the next level.  How are you going to want your relationship to go to the next level and not expect yourself to have to grow either?  That is like expecting a promotion at work, but you have not done a thing to warrant that increase of money, position, and responsibility.

What is funny about this, is that I am not married, yet I see how this very same advice can be used and used effectively in ANY relationship.