Rules to Conflict Resolution

17 01 2015

First of all, let me be abundantly clear.  I am NO PROFESSIONAL AT THIS…  hahaha  I am just sharing what I am using with my lady.  Maybe it can help you too.  Blessings.

  1. If there is a issue, acknowledge it immediately to one another. If the time to discuss is inappropriate, agree to revisit the issue at a later time. All discussions are to take place in private.
  2. No Yelling. If one person is yelling, the second person should not join in. The issue can escalate this way. The calm person should tell the one yelling, “Calm down, so we can work things out.” If the person yelling continues, the calm person should say, “I’m walking away until we both calm down.” It is the responsibility of the person who started yelling to re-engage the conversation, after they have calmed down.
  3. No Cursing. Cursing is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Choose your words wisely.
  4. No Name Calling. This too is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Use adjectives to describe someone more than using nouns. (Example: “You were acting arrogant” is vastly different than “You are arrogant.” One is based off observation. The other is a judgment.)
  5. Always start and end the conversation by letting the other person know that you care about them. Use this technique for any pre-meditated conflict conversations. For spur-of-the-moment conflicts, the moment you recognize that you are in the midst of a conflict, make sure to tell the other person that you care about them. This helps soften the environment and mood, thus making the next rule easier to implement.
  6. Do not speak in generalities. Be specific with the issue. Confront the issue at the time of the occurrence so it can be fresh in your mind.
  7. Gain complete clarity of the issue at hand. Acknowledge each part of the issue to show understanding and reflection on the issue. Be open to the idea that you made a mistake, even if you think that you didn’t. Do not engage in a tit-for-tat conversation. If you have an issue that you want to raise, deal with that after the current one is resolved.
  8. Focus on the Resolution. This key element is essential to the success of conflict resolution. “What can we do to fix the problem?” Not, “How can I prove the other person wrong?”
  9. Stay engaged and active in the conversation. Do not shut down. If one person begins to shut down, the other should remind them to focus on staying engaged and working towards a resolution.
  10. Solve the problem through a brain storming session. After gaining an understanding of the issues at hand, collectively think up several possible solutions to the problem.
  11. Once grievances are shared, seek to apologize as quickly as possible. This helps set the tone of a loving environment and softens the situation. This also places emphasis on the importance of the relationship over above the need to be right.
  12. Once the issue is resolved, use humor to clear the air of seriousness. Laughter can bring us back to a place of mirth. Whether its watching a funny video or telling a joke, use some vehicle to clear the air.
  13. Be sure to follow up on any implemented solutions. All solutions can be brought up for revision. Ask one another about the solution and how it is working for them. Remember that any revisions must be mutually agreed upon, just as the initial decision was.

Key Elements:

  1. Both parties should be focusing on resolving the issue. This is more important than being right.
  2. Remember that a conflict isn’t just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both people perceives a threat. (Real or not.) Therefore, reinforce the fact that there is no real threat (just differences), and the conflict can dissipate.
  3. Honor the rules. Honor the relationship.
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Drought in the Garden (E.O.L.)

14 04 2014

 They say that the seed you water is the one that grows.

This is true, and leads me to ask the question,

What have you planted? What are you watering?

Where are you spending your energy?

Have you tilled the land sufficiently?

Are you using organic seeds or GMOs?

Have you saturated the ground with the crap you have been through, for growth?

Or do you still carry that manure in a bag strapped to your shoulders?

Would you rather wait for Him to Make it Rain,

Before you show signs of movement in the soil?

or do you regularly soak the seed?

How often do you check the growth?

Do you neglect the plant after it sprouts,

Busy checking on the growth of other vegetation that does not offer sustenance?

Do you plant, looking to foster the growth of this herb until something better comes along?

And if something else sprouts fast, how do you know that isn’t just a weed,

Soaking up all the nutrients from the ground for its own agenda,

Never giving back to you the farmer,

Destined to shrivel up and die and leave the earth barren?

Why did you plant this seed in the first place if you knew that you did not have the patience to help it grow?

There are starving people elsewhere living in places

Where the ground is no longer yield a crop.

You are fortunate to have a healthy, good seed,

Which is ready to produce a healthy good plant,

The foundation for a healthy good harvest.

But you would rather focus on weeds

Of no medicinal or nutritional value.

Oh yes, it may be a beautiful rose.

But besides the smell and appearance, what else can it do for you?

It can’t feed you. It can’t cloth you.

It can’t heal you.

It only caters to your ego.

Is that the plant you want to water? Is this what you want to grow?

And how do you know that this plant won’t eventually trump the beauty of that rose?

What did you plant here that ruined this soil?

Why is it so difficult to just be in the moment,

And allow this beautiful plant to grow?





Judgement: The Root of Evil (Notes from 01/29/14 – Convo with J. Braxton)

28 03 2014

No.  It’s not money.

To find the root of evil, you have to find the origin in our existence.

In Genesis, there were two trees of note.

The Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

The fruit of the tree of life, was life (eternal).

The fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is Judgement.

Good and Evil is the Noun element.  Judgement is the Verb element.

 

Why did we focus on one tree but not the other?  If we focused on “Our” tree, and not “God’s” tree, we would still be in paradise.

Bring that sentence into 2014.

If we focused more on LIFE (Living/Love/Joy) and not JUDGEMENT, our world would BE PARADISE.

How many wars would we have if we all loved each other as we loved ourselves?  (Follow Christ’s Commandments)

In every area of human relation that brings strife, judgement is present.  Rid yourself of judgement and enjoy a new experience called life.  (Enlightenment)





Armor by J. Wellington

25 03 2014

I am not your knight in shining armor.

Mine has shims scratches and scrapes.

I can’t be your knight in shining armor.

Too many dents that can’t be banged back into shape.

My amour doesn’t have that smooth aura and sheen,

It has stripes of dirt and grime.

Too many missing plates for my visage to be considered sublime.

The arm band does not shimmer.  It’s stained with drops of blood.

The remnants of the bear that tried to attack the children, I had to club.

The back plates are crushed, some pierced til you see the skin.

While in battle, the dragon’s jaws, captured me and started to sink in.

I struggled to get free and took damage to say the least

Right before with my left hand, a proper swipe fell the beast.

My chest plate never smooth, for it is riddled with arrow tips.

The only remaining proof that the invaders from the north no longer exist.

See, I know and can grasp the beauty of the Shining armors sight.

But know that their armor shines so bright, for they have never seen a fight.

They have never struggled to save you, they have never strained to be,

The man that is worthy for your bed-chamber to see.

Please forgive my forwardness, for your chastity I seek not to mark.

I only seek to have my name forever written on your heart.

So marvel at the sights that shine.  For you cause I’ll gladly be a martyr.

But know that I did it all for you.  Sincerely, your Knight in rugged armor.





Love – Spread The Word Without Judging

31 12 2013
I am a follower of Christ and thus by default I love all people.  I am also a human and thus by default I am terribly flawed.  I believe the flaws inherently in us is part of the reason why we are told to avoid judging people.  We are also put here to be in community with one another and to form relationships with one another.  I believe that this is another reason why we are told to avoid judging each other.  Once someone places  themselves in a position to judge another, there is an automatic disconnect between the two.  There is no longer a community aspect, but it turns into a caste system of the elite showing the lowly the error of their ways.  If we as humans are equally flawed, then who are we to judge another.
There are plenty of reasons to avoid the judgment of others.  With that said, there is a huge difference between calling something a sin and judging people.  At times the appearance may be similar, but there remains a vast difference.  Now, the difference does have to be distinct and one’s intention has to be apparent to avoid the confusion.  As followers of Christ, the last thing we want to do it condemn someone “in Jesus name,” especially when His whole mission and purpose was to redeem us and save us from a greater judgment.  At the same time, we want to let the truth be told so that everyone is very clear on what our Lord expects.  Nobody wants to be told that they are a bad person, or doing wrong, especially when their personal moral system tells them different.
So how do we do this?  It seems like everyone that attempts this will be called out as judgmental or anti-whatever.  Just recently Phil Robertson from the show Duck Dynasty was called out as being anti-gay for trying to do this.  Numerous church leaders, athletes, musicians, movie stars, and celebrities have been called out as being anti-whatever for their stances and/or statements on subjects such as homosexuality, marriage, racism, gender equality, etc.  Well, I am not here to defend anyone’s decision, words, or actions.  I do have suggestions for how to better get one’s point across if you happen to have conflicting opinions or beliefs.  The key is in how to communicate these beliefs.
Before I get into the communication of these beliefs, first of all, we have to truly think about the issue and do some soul searching on our own thoughts and feelings on the subject.  The better you understand your own perspective, the better you can communicate it and the better you can deal with it.  Keep in mind, you are human.  You can change.  You can learn.  You can grow.  An example would be, if you have a problem with gay people, ask yourself, “what about them bothers me?”  Answer the question and ask other questions about that subject.
“Is it because it’s a sin?  Do I react the same way to other sins?  Lying is a sin too.  Why do I not react the same way?  If the sin of it isn’t the real reason, what is?”
Ask yourself until it gets awkward.  Go in depth so you have a truly full understanding of the root of your problem.  If you cannot be this brutally honest with yourself, then you have no right whatsoever to judge anyone.  By asking all these questions you are judging yourself as you should, and if you can’t stand up to it, keep your lips shut about others.  Once you get to the root of the issue, deal with it.  Learn acceptance.  This is necessary because you are living in a world where diversity is prevailant and will not go away any time soon, and if you are a Christian, your Lord requires it of you.  If you need counciling to do this, so be it.  Take this seriously, for if you don’t learn acceptance, they could be sinners all day, and you will be joining them in the sin category too, once again making you both equal in God’s sight.
Ok, so after you are done with this stage (it should take a while) then you should default to rules of engagement with people.  This is known as Jesus’ commandment to us as His followers.  (John Chapter 13 verses 33-35)  The passage basically says love one another as I loved you.  This is not limited to your friends and families, but goes to your enemies, strangers, and everyone.  When I say this, I mean that in all your conversations you have, default to love.  Make sure that if nothing else comes across in your speech, that the concept of love is primary.  If you are asked about if something is a sin, be straight forward on what the bible says, and immediately cover that statement with a statement about how God loves you and how YOU love them too.  Reach out to the people you are speaking about.  Have them in your community.  Embrace them as your own to show that love.  It’s really hard for someone to be seen as a racist or a bigot if they surround themselves with the very people that they are speaking about.  If you give your time and money to help the people you are speaking about, then who can really say you are uneducated about them or hate them?  Who hates someone so much that they are going to put all their life savings in a charity to help that person they hate?  Does that even make sense?
By doing these actions, you will quickly find yourself and your community growing.  You will make new friendships and alliances.  You will learn more about others and others will learn more about you.  People will appreciate you for what you do and eventually for who you are, and the same will occur for you.  But notice where all of this began?  You had to first have a GOOD understanding of yourself.  Please keep in mind that this has to be an ongoing process.  You have to keep sharpening the knife and understand who you are and how that stacks up with who God wants you to be.  From there, the rest is following his commandments and growing relationships with EVERYONE since we are supposed to love everyone.
Yes, this is MUCH harder to do than to say.  I am no expert at this, but I see this as a method that can help, and if I have something that can help you, why not share it with you?  Peace be with you my friend.




Real Love vs Toxic Love

3 06 2012

I am no expert on this, so don’t even bother contacting me.  I saw a clip of this and decided to copy this for my own personal reference.  I am claiming no rights to this.  This however is excellent information and a personal check to anyone that is in a relationship.  I know some, including myself that desperately need this.

 

1. Love – Development of self is the first priority.

Toxic love – Obsession with relationship.

 

2. Love – Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.

Toxic love – Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

 

3. Love – Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.

Toxic love – Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

 

4. Love – Encouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth.

Toxic love – Preoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing.

 

5. Love – Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)

Toxic love – Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply.”

 

6. Love – Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.

Toxic love – Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

 

7. Love – Embracing of each other’s individuality.

Toxic love – Trying to change other to own image.

 

8. Love – Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.

Toxic love – Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

 

9. Love – Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other’s mood.

Toxic love – Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

 

10. Love – Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)

Toxic love – Fusion (being obsessed with each other’s problems and feelings.)

 

11. Love – Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.

Toxic love – Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

 

12. Love – Ability to enjoy being alone.

Toxic love – Unable to endure separation; clinging.

 

13. Love – Cycle of comfort and contentment.

Toxic love – Cycle of pain and despair.

 





Hard to Find… Harder to Leave… Impossible to Forget…

15 03 2012

As life sends you through your ups and downs, you start and progress to seeing who your true friends are.  Those that are around that truly care become as clear as day.  Its a harsh reality to deal with, however it can make you look at those who are indeed there for you so much differently.  The bond becomes so much stronger.  Your ability to talk to them about whatever, even if you don’t agree with them, increases.  It is not always about fun times, smiles and laughter.  In fact, by this point, it is no longer about that at all.  It is about Quality Time with those you love.  The quantity may vary, but the quality of it does not waiver.  You look forward to seeing that person, even if it is for a few minutes.  You know that you will be able to get so much out of that little interaction.

I have people that fit into this category.  I know people that have people that fit into this category.  While others people you know may be just as friendly as those you are close to, there is a kind of security blanket that those that are dear to you hold.  Only they can have access to certain areas of your life.  Only they can know what it is like to see you at your highest joy or to see you crying your eyes out, or to see you so passionate about something that you are shaking ready to fight.  That is love.

We don’t always have to be smiling.  In fact if we were, that means someone is lying and we need to distance ourselves to find out what their angle is.  The facade doesn’t count here.  Here, you show who you are at the core, I show who I am at the core, and we accept it as such.

One day, if The Lord so chooses to bless me, I would love to have a wife who can fit this position.  There is nothing better than waking up to your best friend every day.  The reality is that bond is supposed to be so much more than even the term Best Friend.  100% Trust, 100% Love, 100% support.  Amazing.  Blessings to those that have that bond.