Rules to Conflict Resolution

17 01 2015

First of all, let me be abundantly clear.  I am NO PROFESSIONAL AT THIS…  hahaha  I am just sharing what I am using with my lady.  Maybe it can help you too.  Blessings.

  1. If there is a issue, acknowledge it immediately to one another. If the time to discuss is inappropriate, agree to revisit the issue at a later time. All discussions are to take place in private.
  2. No Yelling. If one person is yelling, the second person should not join in. The issue can escalate this way. The calm person should tell the one yelling, “Calm down, so we can work things out.” If the person yelling continues, the calm person should say, “I’m walking away until we both calm down.” It is the responsibility of the person who started yelling to re-engage the conversation, after they have calmed down.
  3. No Cursing. Cursing is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Choose your words wisely.
  4. No Name Calling. This too is inflammatory and not needed at a moment of healing. Use adjectives to describe someone more than using nouns. (Example: “You were acting arrogant” is vastly different than “You are arrogant.” One is based off observation. The other is a judgment.)
  5. Always start and end the conversation by letting the other person know that you care about them. Use this technique for any pre-meditated conflict conversations. For spur-of-the-moment conflicts, the moment you recognize that you are in the midst of a conflict, make sure to tell the other person that you care about them. This helps soften the environment and mood, thus making the next rule easier to implement.
  6. Do not speak in generalities. Be specific with the issue. Confront the issue at the time of the occurrence so it can be fresh in your mind.
  7. Gain complete clarity of the issue at hand. Acknowledge each part of the issue to show understanding and reflection on the issue. Be open to the idea that you made a mistake, even if you think that you didn’t. Do not engage in a tit-for-tat conversation. If you have an issue that you want to raise, deal with that after the current one is resolved.
  8. Focus on the Resolution. This key element is essential to the success of conflict resolution. “What can we do to fix the problem?” Not, “How can I prove the other person wrong?”
  9. Stay engaged and active in the conversation. Do not shut down. If one person begins to shut down, the other should remind them to focus on staying engaged and working towards a resolution.
  10. Solve the problem through a brain storming session. After gaining an understanding of the issues at hand, collectively think up several possible solutions to the problem.
  11. Once grievances are shared, seek to apologize as quickly as possible. This helps set the tone of a loving environment and softens the situation. This also places emphasis on the importance of the relationship over above the need to be right.
  12. Once the issue is resolved, use humor to clear the air of seriousness. Laughter can bring us back to a place of mirth. Whether its watching a funny video or telling a joke, use some vehicle to clear the air.
  13. Be sure to follow up on any implemented solutions. All solutions can be brought up for revision. Ask one another about the solution and how it is working for them. Remember that any revisions must be mutually agreed upon, just as the initial decision was.

Key Elements:

  1. Both parties should be focusing on resolving the issue. This is more important than being right.
  2. Remember that a conflict isn’t just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both people perceives a threat. (Real or not.) Therefore, reinforce the fact that there is no real threat (just differences), and the conflict can dissipate.
  3. Honor the rules. Honor the relationship.




Drought in the Garden (E.O.L.)

14 04 2014

 They say that the seed you water is the one that grows.

This is true, and leads me to ask the question,

What have you planted? What are you watering?

Where are you spending your energy?

Have you tilled the land sufficiently?

Are you using organic seeds or GMOs?

Have you saturated the ground with the crap you have been through, for growth?

Or do you still carry that manure in a bag strapped to your shoulders?

Would you rather wait for Him to Make it Rain,

Before you show signs of movement in the soil?

or do you regularly soak the seed?

How often do you check the growth?

Do you neglect the plant after it sprouts,

Busy checking on the growth of other vegetation that does not offer sustenance?

Do you plant, looking to foster the growth of this herb until something better comes along?

And if something else sprouts fast, how do you know that isn’t just a weed,

Soaking up all the nutrients from the ground for its own agenda,

Never giving back to you the farmer,

Destined to shrivel up and die and leave the earth barren?

Why did you plant this seed in the first place if you knew that you did not have the patience to help it grow?

There are starving people elsewhere living in places

Where the ground is no longer yield a crop.

You are fortunate to have a healthy, good seed,

Which is ready to produce a healthy good plant,

The foundation for a healthy good harvest.

But you would rather focus on weeds

Of no medicinal or nutritional value.

Oh yes, it may be a beautiful rose.

But besides the smell and appearance, what else can it do for you?

It can’t feed you. It can’t cloth you.

It can’t heal you.

It only caters to your ego.

Is that the plant you want to water? Is this what you want to grow?

And how do you know that this plant won’t eventually trump the beauty of that rose?

What did you plant here that ruined this soil?

Why is it so difficult to just be in the moment,

And allow this beautiful plant to grow?





Open Letter to…

30 03 2014

Dear …,

I write this letter as a means of closure in the chapter of our friendship/relationship/business/whatever you want to call it.  I have taken plenty of steps back.  I have given you the benefit of the doubt.  I have, against my good judgement, remained calm and refrained from going H.A.M. on your people.  You STILL have not done the righteous thing to do, so at this point I am cutting you off completely.

Your people have disrespected me on a level that embarrassed you and supposedly prompted you to tell them to apologize to me.  This of course is only hearsay, being that you never called me back to confirm this or speak on it.  Nor have you forced the guilty party to atone for their transgressions.  I guess you figured you would just sweep that under the rug, similar to the way you apologized to me for violating.  In private.  Never in public.

Why didn’t you ever address these issues to everyone that was affected?  Why did you treat it like some big taboo secret that nobody was to mention?  Could it be because you still held resentment for my righteous action which trumped your cowardly actions?  REAL people would not only apologize for transgressions, but would take corrective measures to insure healing.  Or did you think that what occurred between you and I were small potatoes?  If so, why did things go south for you and everyone else involved since then?  Look at your group.  Things were never the same since I left, which is precisely why for the past 3 years you wanted me back.  You didn’t have to lie to me.  I hear it.  Everyone still speaks about it, just not to you.

All I ever wanted was for people to do the RIGHT thing.  You however, would much rather lie than do righteous action.  Tell the truth.

Tell them how you wanted me to run things and offered that opportunity to me 5 years ago.

Tell them how you really feel about their inner and outer weakness.

Tell them what you told me about myself and the other really good guy.  Tell them that you would have failed without us.

Or better yet, tell them the truth about themselves.

Tell them what they need to hear to avoid over compensating for a lack of ability.

Tell them something that will make them stop deifying your words and make them start living it.

Tell them something to make them better people in the long run, even if it means hurting their temporary feelings.

 

But I get it.  I can’t expect you to ever tell them the truth.  All of this is far too difficult if you constantly lie to yourself.

You know, the worst part of this is the fact that you had all the potential in the world to make these people better.  Instead you just enabled them to be worse.  That was NEVER supposed to be in your job description.  YOU KNOW THIS TOO!

How does it feel to purposely and knowingly lead these people astray?  Can you sleep at night safely knowing that one if not most of these people that depend on you can and will be hurt because you never gave them the necessary information they needed to become better?

I sure wouldn’t want that on my conscious.  I am glad I had nothing to do with all of this.

I am embarrassed to even be associated.  Moving forward, I will do everything in my power to NOT be associated with your foolishness.

 

In closing, you are a nice person.  Unfortunately you lack a spine.  This is where your niceness ends.  Being nice is not enough.  If MLK Jr. was nice, the Civil Rights movement would not have had such a strong necessary leader.  What have your niceties brought you except more drama and fake friends?  Real friends will tell you the truth, no matter what.  Regardless of if you are right or dead wrong.  And despite your choices, they will stand by your side and help you face the consequences of your decision.

 

Do you even have one of these?

 

Walk by me in the future and don’t acknowledge me.  I no longer acknowledge you.

Sincerely and in clear conscious,

J. Wellington

 

p.s. – I forgive you.  But please keep in mind, just because I forgive you does not mean that the bridge can ever be built again.  If you don’t believe it, break a glass on your kitchen floor, then apologize.  See if automatically comes back together.  1





Judgement: The Root of Evil (Notes from 01/29/14 – Convo with J. Braxton)

28 03 2014

No.  It’s not money.

To find the root of evil, you have to find the origin in our existence.

In Genesis, there were two trees of note.

The Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

The fruit of the tree of life, was life (eternal).

The fruit of the tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is Judgement.

Good and Evil is the Noun element.  Judgement is the Verb element.

 

Why did we focus on one tree but not the other?  If we focused on “Our” tree, and not “God’s” tree, we would still be in paradise.

Bring that sentence into 2014.

If we focused more on LIFE (Living/Love/Joy) and not JUDGEMENT, our world would BE PARADISE.

How many wars would we have if we all loved each other as we loved ourselves?  (Follow Christ’s Commandments)

In every area of human relation that brings strife, judgement is present.  Rid yourself of judgement and enjoy a new experience called life.  (Enlightenment)





Armor by J. Wellington

25 03 2014

I am not your knight in shining armor.

Mine has shims scratches and scrapes.

I can’t be your knight in shining armor.

Too many dents that can’t be banged back into shape.

My amour doesn’t have that smooth aura and sheen,

It has stripes of dirt and grime.

Too many missing plates for my visage to be considered sublime.

The arm band does not shimmer.  It’s stained with drops of blood.

The remnants of the bear that tried to attack the children, I had to club.

The back plates are crushed, some pierced til you see the skin.

While in battle, the dragon’s jaws, captured me and started to sink in.

I struggled to get free and took damage to say the least

Right before with my left hand, a proper swipe fell the beast.

My chest plate never smooth, for it is riddled with arrow tips.

The only remaining proof that the invaders from the north no longer exist.

See, I know and can grasp the beauty of the Shining armors sight.

But know that their armor shines so bright, for they have never seen a fight.

They have never struggled to save you, they have never strained to be,

The man that is worthy for your bed-chamber to see.

Please forgive my forwardness, for your chastity I seek not to mark.

I only seek to have my name forever written on your heart.

So marvel at the sights that shine.  For you cause I’ll gladly be a martyr.

But know that I did it all for you.  Sincerely, your Knight in rugged armor.





For Me

23 03 2014

I love the beauty of this world.

The simplicity of it all can be so complex.

The skyline kissing the water…

The Backdrop for buildings…

The placement of stars…

The intoxicating aura of the ocean…

Infinite from my perspective…

The incredible variety of fellow inhabitants of this beautiful Blue-Green Ball…

We crawl… We Walk…

We slide, slither and fly…

we jump, we stand still and stretch..

So many colors… so many textures…

And then there is us…

Simple… complex

The crown jewel and biggest flaw…

the sizes and shapes, abilities and limitations…

the stories of inspiration…

The acts of fear and heroism…

The ability to love and spread love…

the strength and intelligence of man…

The beauty and intoxicating aura of woman…

the blending, mixing and matching of these to create anew…

I have a front row seat to watch as I participate.

I enjoy what I see and thus shall continue to do so…

Until the show is over and I wake up…





Experience Through Observation

7 01 2014

Experience is definitely the best teacher, but observation saves you the time and embarrassment offered from the expertise.  I was taught/reminded of great lessons this past year.  Here are some of them. 

1. You attract what you advertise.  (Thanks to Ms. C. Hayden)
2. Spare the rod, spoil the child.  (Thanks to Mr. K. West)
3. Do what is right.  You set youself up for failure by only doing the nice thing.  (Thanks to Mr. D. Johnson)
4. When we only pay attention to our own thoughts, stupidity abounds.  (Thanks to Mr. H. Ross)
5. Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.  (Thanks to Mr. B. Grooman)
6. When one assumes, you make an Ass out of U and Me.  (Thanks to Mr. W. Collins)
7. Quiet the meaningless banter and listen to those truly speaking.  (Thanks to Mr. D. Ma)
8. Hold yourself in the highest light at all times, and people will naturally place you there.  (Thanks to Mrs. A. Hebert)
9. You will defeat yourself before you begin competing if you do not believe.  (Thanks to Ms. D. Thompson)
10. An open mind is always greater than a closed fist.  (Thanks to Miss. B. Seifer)
11. Only a few will ever know you.  Cherish them.  (Thanks to Mr. J. Braxton)
12. If you are not willing to listen, don’t expect to be heard.  (Thanks to Mrs. D. Wellington)
13. The grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence.  (Thanks to Ms. E. Brice)
14. Love yourself first.  Others will learn to truly love you when you accomplish this.  (Thanks to Ms. V. Alston)
15. Focus on the lessons, not the teacher.  (Thanks to the JGKAA)
16. Always stand up for what is right, even if you have to sacrifice something you love.  (Thanks to Mr. T. Nguyen)
17. Believe even when it doesn’t make sense.  (Thanks to Mr. A. Lim)
18. You control the beauty of your life.  (Thanks to Mr. S. Kim & Ms P. Moore)
19. Even if nobody says it, know that you are beautiful.  (Thanks to Ms. L. Lucas)
20. Always build your skills and never get complacent.  (Thanks to Ms. A. Deboe)
21. Humility is always the best way.  (Thanks to Mr. D. Jessell)
22. The smallest thing you do can inspire more than you can imagine.  (Thanks to Ms. E. Badu)
23. The youth are watching.  Give them something good.  (Thanks to Mr. S. Robinson)
24. Publicity is meaningless unless you give it some mearning.  (Thanks toYahoo.com)
25. Steel sharpens Steel.  (Thanks to The Red Canvas)
26. Make yourself valuable and you will always be needed.  (Thanks to Mrs. K. McCullough)
27. Control your emotions, or be a slave to them.  (Thanks to Mr. V. Thomas)
28. Skills can only take you but so far.  (Thanks to Mr. B. Redmond)
29. Taking sound advice always improves your position.  (Thanks to Mrs. S. Julien)
30. You will get what you want only when you are truly ready to receive it.  (Thanks to Miss F. Dione)
31. After a season of loss and disappointment, make sure to complete the grieving and healing process before you move on.  (Thanks to Ms. A. Funderburk) 

I thank everyone who with or without their knowledge added to my own.  You’re instructions are all appreciated. Here’s to a better 2014.